Goodbye 2014.

I struggle to write a year in review this year because I don't really feel butterflies and fresh cinnamon bun feelings for 2014 and no one likes to be a drag. 2014 wasn't the worst year of my life or anything. Maybe. There were lots of great things and wonderful days full of love and happiness, for sure. But overall, on the whole, I would have to say "good riddance to 2014." It was a rough one. I don't want to be a complainer. There are so many who have had so much more to deal with than I. And all those moments and trials and things that tested me don't seem like much when comparing them to others' experiences. But they were my issues. And they were hard for me. There was so much for me to learn in 2014. I'm guessing I failed most of those tests, considering my bad attitude, but I hope that I improved a little. Overall, I think I was supposed to learn that I'm certainly not in charge. I can make plans and I can guide and direct children, but in the end, it's in the Lord's hands--and in the hands and hearts of my sweet boys, who can decide to listen or not. I tried hard to learn to let go. To just let be. But I'm really bad at that. I'm not sure I improved in this regard at all.

We started 2014 with such a major change, one that was right and one that we'd been looking forward to, but it was also so much harder than I thought it would be. Specifically for me and Devin. Thus, I worried so much more about Devin, especially, this year. Obviously my kids are always at the forefront and I'm constantly worried about my parenting skills, but Devin and I had a rough go of things together and separately. I prayed so much for him. I worried so much about him and what was best for him. I tried so hard to mother him better. He made great strides; I'm not sure I did. He's much better adjusted now, but I still pray that things will continue to improve for him once we get into our new house. And I pray every night for help in being a better mother.

The house issue obviously had a huge impact on our family this year. It did take a lot longer to get an offer we felt good about on our house in California--there were some learning experiences along the way--and then when we found a house here in Utah it was one we had to wait on and then put work into, which then meant lots less time together as a family. All in the Lord's timing. The boys and I are so lucky to have such a wonderfully hard-working father and husband in Rich. He's certainly carried a lot of the weight this year. I can't wait to move into our own place mostly so that Rich can have his nights and weekends back.

Aside from all the "big" things, I, personally, had a lot of health and physical things going on that affected everything else. I certainly didn't feel like doing very much, and that was hard on my two very active little boys. I feel like instead of looking on the bright side of things I let myself wallow too much, which made me a sub par parent. Certainly something I need to work on in 2015. I sure love those boys, and my goal for 2015 is to show them more love. Throughout the year I just kept waiting for the moment when all would work out perfectly. When I would feel that things were how they should be. When the boys and I would feel at peace. I never really got there.

So, that's all sad and mopey and lame. But it's real. That's honestly how I've felt most of the year. I've probably ignored friends and pushed some away due to my shining personality. I don't want to be all negative though. Because as I said, there were some really great things in 2014. We had some fun family trips. We sold a house! We bought a house! Rich has really been enjoying his work. Devin has grown up so much and has started reading. Landon has developed his own unique personality and makes us laugh every day. My family are my bright spots, and I'm looking forward to spending more time together being happy and sharing love in 2015!

As I was writing, I found this blog post verbalizing what I'd been feeling all year but didn't know how to put it into words. I needed this.